I looked back at blog entries, and even though the subject matter was less than pleasant to be reminded of, it was still good, I'm glad I have written reminders so I have points of reference to gauge my growth. And I've come far. I often feel like I've had three stages in my life. The first was with Brent, and though I was a newborn in love's eyes, I soon grew to an extremely old age. My heart was always cracked and my spirit became dulled. I became clogged with darkness, became tired and dragged myself through the days. But I never stopped. I stubbornly sacrificed myself each day for someone whom I thought it was going to help. I was wrong. The first day of my second stage was the day I stopped caring about him and finally focused on myself. I was free, and I was drunk with it. Too drunk. I dove into something that made me happy, too quick. I soon realized there were other ways to get hurt. this stage wasn't that defining, though I began to learn to take things as they come. The third and present stage began the day I met Scott.

it was also the day my best friend moved away. It taught me that there's always an opportunity to find new love. It taught me I can be happy, without someone else being unhappy because of it. That day was 11 months ago exactly. So much has changed in my life since then. So much change for the better. Every day I am reminded of this. Even something is simple as getting a drive from school. Or going over to Scott's house in my break. Stability and reassurance are things I've been craving my whole life. I've found them. Here is someone who has their feet on the ground. Who has a car, can hold down a job, is renting a house and going to school. Being responsible. This may sound weird but it's a big turn on. I crave for security. I know this man of mine has a head on his shoulders, and I can count on him, but more so he can count on himself. I don't have to watch over him like I've had to in the past with others. It's a beautiful, freeing feeling. There's so much I don't need to worry about, and I can finally relax. I don't need to worry about finding my way home, or having a place to hang out, because Scott is there for me.

I'm really excited for growing up, becoming responsible.
I'm no longer afraid of the future, because I realize it wont dump itself on me all at once. I've noticed small changes. I can make decisions for myself without seeking others help. My parents are letting me do more, and I'm not taking advantage of it. With Scott and his roommates having their house, I get a heartwarming feeling of self reliance. That even though these guys are incredibly immature, they're growing up as well and faring well. They're almost a family, a family which I'm slowly working my way into. Finding a new older group of friends is exciting. Being accepted is even better. I feel welcome with them. I feel relaxed. I used to be so anxious when I was out of my comfort zone. When I was up in the North East with Brent walking long distances stoned to train stations and bus stops. Or finding myself in Ogden at a high school party, not sure how I would get home. I would panic, but most of it had to do with my parents, when they wanted me home. Now, I can stay out till 3, and as long as Scott's with me I can do what ever I want. It comes back to stability. My parents trust him, they see he's responsible.

I've finally found the right one. I've found that person who makes me happy. Who makes me feel safe, beautiful, and in love. He's the one who makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to do all that I can for him, not because he needs it or wants it, but because it's the least I can do. It's because I want to. Because making him happy fills me with simple joy. This is a love I see going far, and going places. I can see myself slowly making a home. Not a physical one, but a mental one. He is my roof and my four walls. Our love is the foundation. Our love is a catalyst, the wind in our sails. I don't know where it will take me, but I know it will take me somewhere good. Because the future doesn't hit you hard. it comes one day at a time, and as long as I always stay in places that make me happy, the future can be nothing but bright.


the tower

lightning strikes as the tides swell.
engulfing the tower in a plague of uncertainty.
she bears down upon the querent
in the outcome position, betraying no insight.
The night is dark, the only illumination from sporadic lightening
licking the tower with impending disaster.


disclaimer: sex related :P

last night I had a most amazing theory (or a few) come fully formed into my mind.

The meaning of life, in scientist terms, is to reproduce. And despite the cold clinical feel to it, it's true. Why else would sex feel so good? why, after wards, do we feel inexplicably attached to our partner? The climax, the orgasm, is an incredible amount of sexual energy, but energy none the less. It's the activation energy needed in creating life. That energy fuels the sperm and the egg to join, and that energy of the two parts is manifested in the newly formed being, and helps drive cellular division and growth. The child feeds of the raw emotion felt between the mother and father at the moment of conception. This energy, this emotion, is alive in each cell of the new creature, and becomes their soul. It is the spiritual energetic side to the physical life. Unable to be separated from each other because they're fused down to the microscopic level.

The formation of new life is something we share with every single sexual organism on this planet. It is not something reserved for intelligent life, sex feels good for every living being. The only separation humans have made is removing the reproductive aspect and making it solely an act for pleasure. But the act of intercourse is over a billion years old. It is a universal act and therefore a universal uniter. In humans, we associate reproduction with love, with a life-long partner. Though our social habits are by far more complex than other animals, love is not exclusive to us. Animal mates share a bond between them, and I can only assume it is a form of love. It is a feeling of being connected through their young, having a physical being as a product of their love. And since love is such a universal emotion, I deem it God. God is a uniting force, something relate-able that brings life together.

Religion is an insanely complex version of parental instincts. When talking about animals that raise their young, they teach them right and wrong, in the sense of "do this because you will survive," and "don't do that because you'll die." In modern society, most risks have been abolished, but the instinct to teach our young what is "right" and "wrong" still remains. Due to the social nature of humans, a universal code of conduct was created, warped and complicated throughout the centuries. It became mass produced and very particular, and many people chose to do without it. But because people (me included) don't follow a religion does not mean they're not religious. I have a strong tie to the earth, to life and to love. Religion is an instinctual feeling, an aid to through life the best way possible.



Sometimes, when I hear your poetry,
I don't hear the words.

I just listen to the rhythm of your speech.
Like waves upon a beach
I let them wash over me.
Not getting me wet because I forget each word the moment you've spoken it.
Yet you've awoken me with the strength in your voice.
If I had a choice I would play in your waves for days.
watching your tone pull my tides closer to your shore
And I'd explore the forests you've created with your rhymes
following your heartbeat, keeping time.
Let me be carried with your flow.
I don't need to know what you're saying
just let me keep playing with the sounds
of your machine-gun-mouth firing rounds,
like an attentive warrior on the battle grounds where words meet ears.
let the rhythm still ring through me when the silence reappears

Though I won't remember the words,
an image remains like ink blurred by rain.
Your poetry leaves an intricate design painted in my mind.

though I won't remember the words, I remember everything else.