Skip to main content

and I need you now....

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

This quote blew my mind, and just stirred up all the muck that is modern society from the bottom of the clear pool that is this world. 9-5, in out in out, clocking in, zoning out. working endless dead end jobs to scrape by with the measly slips of paper they (and who are they, anyways?) give us in return for being the hamsters in the wheel, the rowers in a slave ship making their slow progression to nowhere.

I am so disillusioned with our society. It may be in part by my disappointment in myself at my stupid mistakes made in university. Life just seems so difficult at times, and I feel stuck in an uncomfortable limbo, knowing I've made a mistake but having to wait a month to right it. I'm so hard on myself. I always challenge myself, probably because if I fail I still know I succeeded more than other people I know. But I've set my self up for surmisable failure. I'm putting the pressure of so much weight onto my shoulders, which already hurt so much. I always set these goals but get distracted or tired and never fulfill them. Last year my plan was to force myself through the pain of a bachelor of science degree, then to relax once it's over. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a little ways into my second semester and I feel godawful. I was unsure of my decision for the first time yesterday. People go to university for what they love. I love the arts, and I love nature. I've been discouraged from the arts so I thought it would be cool to do sciences. Learn about the earth. But I have to put up with calculus chemistry and physics before I can get to anything interesting. and who's to say it will even be interesting? I am filling my head with so much information that will never be retained. My strained mind is a sieve, only holding onto the big concepts, the ones that hold on to the tissues of my brain with ropes of enticement and strong emotion. If only the butterflies I get could count for credits, if that rush of elation I feel at his closeness could go on my resume, if only. If only, if only.

I'm at such a loss. I'm afraid of how much you've become a part of me. Sometimes I almost forget. I take it for granted, built up an immunity to the amazement of the situation. But when I'm next to you I never want to leave. You make me feel beautiful. You make me believe. I want you like nothing else. It scares me to think what would have happened in my life if I'd decided to just go to krista's new year's party. Where I would be right now.

We all want to believe in meant-to-be,
to make sense of life's difficulty,
to add meaning to calamity.
to decipher the chaotic mess
soothe the uncertainty and distress
believing there's a secret for success.
or that it's all just fate,
that there's such thing as a soul-mate
and that it will all turn out great,
that our life's already all planned,
because it makes life easier to understand.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

enter the struggler

Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...
2 comments
Read more

neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me. So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough ...
2 comments
Read more

You are what you is,

lonesome sundown. that terrible nagging i get at the root of me, those thoughts all clouding my mind in inaudible whispers. anxiety making my fingers shake. my mind is numb and dull. little questions running round, second guessing and self slandering. Reality leaves alot to the imagination . I need distraction. You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are! i'm searching john lennon quotes. getting lost in other's words is healing. Gets me out of my head every so often. Give me sanctuary, I need asylum. Place me somewhere with no responsibilities, no inadequacies or apprehensions. Let me be seen as real and that is all i will need. where no one's pressumptions affect me. I am my own entity, reserved and asunder. I need you. Open me up, break down my inhibitions. let me be real and let yourself love me for what is really there. [ this isnt meant for just one person. i cant chose between you all.] The love of reality is my favorite. ...
3 comments
Read more