I have this emptiness in me, this void deep down that i have tried to fill with anything i could, but nothing seems to last. I've filled it, first, with the love of The Beatles, which seemed to work, but eventually faded with new distractions. I've filled it with the friendship, love and lust I've felt for hundreds of people, but in the end everyone leaves and takes the feelings with them. I tried to fill it with the arts, with painting and poetry, but always my standards were too high and I was filled with a seering feeling of failure when I couldn't reach them. Through time everything helped momentarily but everything would fade. Now I know why. The gap, the void in me, was a space reserved for self-love. Time and time again people have told me they loved me, they admired me, they thought I was incredible, selfless, sacrificing. I was so selfless and sacrificing, always putting others before me, that I disregarded myself. I hardly knew myself, and I could not love what I did not know. It didn't seem important, to think about myself, but because I didn't, I couln't understand it when other people thought of me. When they cared about me, when they loved me. I couldn't comprehend what they saw in me, what made me so incredible. I couldn't see it, so I couldn't believe it. So the lack of love flourished, and in its place left and empty hole that i tried fruitlessly to fill, not knowing how. But now I'm on my way to changing that.
I have this emptiness in me, this void deep down that i have tried to fill with anything i could, but nothing seems to last. I've filled it, first, with the love of The Beatles, which seemed to work, but eventually faded with new distractions. I've filled it with the friendship, love and lust I've felt for hundreds of people, but in the end everyone leaves and takes the feelings with them. I tried to fill it with the arts, with painting and poetry, but always my standards were too high and I was filled with a seering feeling of failure when I couldn't reach them. Through time everything helped momentarily but everything would fade. Now I know why. The gap, the void in me, was a space reserved for self-love. Time and time again people have told me they loved me, they admired me, they thought I was incredible, selfless, sacrificing. I was so selfless and sacrificing, always putting others before me, that I disregarded myself. I hardly knew myself, and I could not love what I did not know. It didn't seem important, to think about myself, but because I didn't, I couln't understand it when other people thought of me. When they cared about me, when they loved me. I couldn't comprehend what they saw in me, what made me so incredible. I couldn't see it, so I couldn't believe it. So the lack of love flourished, and in its place left and empty hole that i tried fruitlessly to fill, not knowing how. But now I'm on my way to changing that.
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