sore throats give me flashbacks.

sometimes i feel like i'm only half here. like i have one foot in reality and the other in my mind. i focus on my thoughts and the rest becomes blurred.

today i went to the psychiatrist. i had been wanting a meeting for some time now. i only got ten minutes of her time because it was last minute, taken out of my mom's meeting. i didnt care, anything would help. i needed advice badly.

so i went in, gave her the low down, and she told me that because of my age she expected me to have gotten back together with him. that i wouldnt have been able to deal with the loneliness and i would have given in just so i wouldnt have to be alone. but the fact that i didnt shows that i have wisdom beyond my years. this sparked something in me. i willed myself not to cry. i was so close to giving in. so close it wasnt funny. and a part of me loved what she said but another part felt guilty. i hadnt told her about justin. i was stupid and thought it would make me sound like an ordinary teenager. just a weak crazy teen, which i wanted nothing to do with. i succumbed to the loneliness, i dont know if it was worse or better than if i got back with brent. but i was weak and i just went for it. i still dont know what to make of that night. i dont know if i should tell her or not.

another thing struck me. any other teen would have gotten back with him. so why shouldnt i? because i am strong and wise? am i missing out on my teenager years because i have the mind of a much more mature person? no...she said that this was a crossroads for me. the way i handle this situation will affect the way i handle my life in years to come. i have shown that i'm worth it and she believes thats a really good thing because i have a tendancy to get pushed around.

so much of the stuff she says speaks so deeply to me. its like she is the communicator of my soul. she can say my feelings.

Comments

enter the struggler

Don't give up. I'm only starting to see the gravity of your situation. the extent of your damnation. In short I don't blame you for your frivolous disposition. I blame myself for not being enough to change it. That came out wrong. I can't, nor do I want to, change you. I just wish I was insentive enough to make you wish to change. Or maybe change is non-existant. I want you to grow. You're playing a static and stagnant role whilst I am flourishing and thriving. I know I'm not the same as I was when we were first in love, but the change is amplified relative your inert stance. I've always cared about you, but that too has been altered by the hand of circumstance. I've known countless feelings for you, attachment, love, lust, caring, anguish, concern. I've always felt something for you. Now it's stronger than ever before. No more silly juvenile notions of "love". I care for you like a sister, a mother, a lover, a friend. You say you don...

neighborhood nights

I feel like somewhere along my life there was a shift. Suddenly nothing was for fun any more, it was all necessary. Suddenly I'm bothering with what others think, afraid to link any connotations I deem negative to my being. Why do I care what people I've never met, who'll forget they ever saw me, think of me; this obscure stranger in their peripherals. It's a warped sense of mind and place, seeing the space around me in my mind's made up ways. So I stray away from everyone, isolating myself unwittingly, turning them against me. Self fulfilling prophecies, I succeed in creating this reality. I need to break free from my mind's mentalities, with which negativity has propelled me. So I've started a new sport. I call it neighborhood night dancing. Donning headphones and heading out alone to the empty streets as the city sleeps, and moving to the beat. Letting it compel me towards a freedom long gone missing. Letting go is an art. Complete release is a tough ...

You are what you is,

lonesome sundown. that terrible nagging i get at the root of me, those thoughts all clouding my mind in inaudible whispers. anxiety making my fingers shake. my mind is numb and dull. little questions running round, second guessing and self slandering. Reality leaves alot to the imagination . I need distraction. You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are! i'm searching john lennon quotes. getting lost in other's words is healing. Gets me out of my head every so often. Give me sanctuary, I need asylum. Place me somewhere with no responsibilities, no inadequacies or apprehensions. Let me be seen as real and that is all i will need. where no one's pressumptions affect me. I am my own entity, reserved and asunder. I need you. Open me up, break down my inhibitions. let me be real and let yourself love me for what is really there. [ this isnt meant for just one person. i cant chose between you all.] The love of reality is my favorite. ...

rude awakenings

Search This Blog