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sore throats give me flashbacks.



sometimes i feel like i'm only half here. like i have one foot in reality and the other in my mind. i focus on my thoughts and the rest becomes blurred.


today i went to the psychiatrist. i had been wanting a meeting for some time now. i only got ten minutes of her time because it was last minute, taken out of my mom's meeting. i didnt care, anything would help. i needed advice badly.

so i went in, gave her the low down, and she told me that because of my age she expected me to have gotten back together with him. that i wouldnt have been able to deal with the loneliness and i would have given in just so i wouldnt have to be alone. but the fact that i didnt shows that i have wisdom beyond my years. this sparked something in me. i willed myself not to cry. i was so close to giving in. so close it wasnt funny. and a part of me loved what she said but another part felt guilty. i hadnt told her about justin. i was stupid and thought it would make me sound like an ordinary teenager. just a weak crazy teen, which i wanted nothing to do with. i succumbed to the loneliness, i dont know if it was worse or better than if i got back with brent. but i was weak and i just went for it. i still dont know what to make of that night. i dont know if i should tell her or not.


another thing struck me. any other teen would have gotten back with him. so why shouldnt i? because i am strong and wise? am i missing out on my teenager years because i have the mind of a much more mature person? no...she said that this was a crossroads for me. the way i handle this situation will affect the way i handle my life in years to come. i have shown that i'm worth it and she believes thats a really good thing because i have a tendancy to get pushed around.

so much of the stuff she says speaks so deeply to me. its like she is the communicator of my soul. she can say my feelings.

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