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You know what I want?
I want “true love” and “marriage” and “soulmates”
to stop being just words,
ideas with no relation to my life.
I want to realize that I’m coming to the end of one chapter
and turning the page to the next.
And with the new beggining it’s more about the future
in regards to ’right now’.
And less about the past.
This is a transition where it’s acceptable to start thinking about
“5 years down the road”
and thinking about you still there beside me.
But I’m having hard relating the check list
that the adults in my life have completed, to my life.
Settling down happens. Marriage happens.
People find people perfect for them.
It’s not an unusual occurance.
And no matter how much I want to think about my future,
I can’t seem to let go of my past.
It’s catching up to me just when I thought I was home free.
Sometimes I feel your arms around me
and I want to push you away with all my force
But I remember that you’re not here.
That someone much better is in your place.
And I don’t want to push him away.
I want to love him, with every peice of me.
I want him like you wanted me
but how I could never want you.
I am happy, with him.
and I want to stay with him.
But I’ve had too many bad experiences,
with “too good to be true”
where the saying was frustratingly precise,
for me to be fully relaxed.

I’m getting better, though.
I’m breaking down these walls of scar tissue
each stone upon stone that you helped pile high
they’re coming tumbling down.

“Let these walls come tumbling down”

I said it like I finally found the way
To keep the good feelings alive
I said it like it was something to strive for.

This is a love I’ve never felt before
And I love it.

I want to kiss you like a traffic jam.
I want to move slow.

I don’t mind the stop and go
as long as I know
I’m moving towards you.
Moving towards an unknown final destination
of unimportance, because
it’s the journey that’s the masterpeice.

I want you to come with me
You can ride shot gun and nap in the early mist
while the scent of hot coffee sloshes in the cup holder.
But it’s not caffeine that will keep me awake.
It’s the electrifying nearness of you
And the excitement of the future
with you by my side.

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