rude awakenings

long ago it must be, I have a photograph preserve your memories, they're all that's left. Been thinking a lot about that next step. About finding a place to call a home of my own. To be able to fall asleep only saying goodnight and not goodbye. Our one year is coming up soon. Two weeks away. It's been an incredible year, and I've grown substantially in these past 12 months. But I'm still that shy little girl, timid and afraid. I have my anxieties, my fears. I know he's mine as much as I'm entitled to him, and I am his as much as he is willing to have me. But the smallest of things sends tears down my cheeks, and I often don't know why. I suppose, having so much of my heart on the line, if something were to cut that line, a large percentage of myself would be gone forever, fallen to the bottom of the lake. But it's not even that. It's that I think I've found the right one. the right key to unlock me. Every day spent by his side he opens anoth...

I had this dream. infact I've had many dreams like it. There is always water. Usually a lake, surrounded by forested hills. Similar to a lake in the Shushwap. But smaller, and the water is always warm. I usually find myself swimming in this lake. Last night I swam out, and it appeared to be peter hope lake. I was swimming with a guy that I had feelings for. Not scott, yet he seemed to turn into scott later. We were swimming, frolicking, having fun, then something changed. We had to get out right away. We swam extremely fast across the lake and got out and found ourselves at a dirt road leading up from the shore. We followed it and it took us to a hotel that overlooked the lake. It was packed, with all my friends and some odd movie characters. Erin had befriended the leader of the mean girls, and they were all sitting pompously in the hall. I can't remember what happened, but I'd lost scott, and I was extremely angry at that mean girl. I lashed out at her, grabbing her and s...

I am learning how to cook. I am learning how to forget I am learning how to dance I am learning how to cut hair I am learning how to write I am learning how to work I am learning how to love I am learning how to live I am learning how to photograph I am learning how to draw I am learning how to theorize I am learning how to be assertive I am learning how to make friends I am learning how to regret nothing I am learning how to knit I am learning how to listen I am learning how to be receptive I am learning how to learn

I looked back at blog entries, and even though the subject matter was less than pleasant to be reminded of, it was still good, I'm glad I have written reminders so I have points of reference to gauge my growth. And I've come far. I often feel like I've had three stages in my life. The first was with Brent, and though I was a newborn in love's eyes, I soon grew to an extremely old age. My heart was always cracked and my spirit became dulled. I became clogged with darkness, became tired and dragged myself through the days. But I never stopped. I stubbornly sacrificed myself each day for someone whom I thought it was going to help. I was wrong. The first day of my second stage was the day I stopped caring about him and finally focused on myself. I was free, and I was drunk with it. Too drunk. I dove into something that made me happy, too quick. I soon realized there were other ways to get hurt. this stage wasn't that defining, though I began to learn to take things as ...

lightning strikes as the tides swell. engulfing the tower in a plague of uncertainty. she bears down upon the querent in the outcome position, betraying no insight. The night is dark, the only illumination from sporadic lightening licking the tower with impending disaster.

last night I had a most amazing theory (or a few) come fully formed into my mind. The meaning of life, in scientist terms, is to reproduce. And despite the cold clinical feel to it, it's true. Why else would sex feel so good? why, after wards, do we feel inexplicably attached to our partner? The climax, the orgasm, is an incredible amount of sexual energy, but energy none the less. It's the activation energy needed in creating life. That energy fuels the sperm and the egg to join, and that energy of the two parts is manifested in the newly formed being, and helps drive cellular division and growth. The child feeds of the raw emotion felt between the mother and father at the moment of conception. This energy, this emotion, is alive in each cell of the new creature, and becomes their soul. It is the spiritual energetic side to the physical life. Unable to be separated from each other because they're fused down to the microscopic level. The formation of new life is something w...

Sometimes, when I hear your poetry, I don't hear the words. I just listen to the rhythm of your speech. Like waves upon a beach I let them wash over me. Not getting me wet because I forget each word the moment you've spoken it. Yet you've awoken me with the strength in your voice. If I had a choice I would play in your waves for days. watching your tone pull my tides closer to your shore And I'd explore the forests you've created with your rhymes following your heartbeat, keeping time. Let me be carried with your flow. I don't need to know what you're saying just let me keep playing with the sounds of your machine-gun-mouth firing rounds, like an attentive warrior on the battle grounds where words meet ears. let the rhythm still ring through me when the silence reappears Though I won't remember the words, an image remains like ink blurred by rain. Your poetry leaves an intricate design painted in my mind. though I won't remember the words, I remember...