electrons protons and neutrons. chemical bonds, elements, macromolecules. lipids proteins carbohydrates. Nucleic acid, DNA, the back bone. Nucleus, cell membrane, mitochondria, cells. tissues, muscles, sinew blood and bone. nerves, synapses, reaction pathways. organs, systems, digestive, pulmonary, cardiac. a brain. occipital, partial, temporal, frontal. ears. eyes. a body. touching seeing hearing tasting smelling. wrapped, tightly bound in skin. walking, talking living breathing. life resting upon a million reactions on atomic levels all the way up to life size. we've cut ourselves into a million pieces, sliced away the thinnest layers, described everything away, packaged the knowledge up into bite sized pieces, categorized, generalized, named and sent out to everyone willing to learn it. memorize, tests and exams, right and wrong answers. chemical equations, scientific reactions, life cycles, reproduction and destruction. We've learnt everything there is to know, fit it all in neat piles and boxes. We know how we touch how we see how we hear. But I wonder how we feel, how we look, how we listen. And why. I want to understand the mind, not the brain. the soul not the body. I want to understand the abstract concepts. Everyone can dissect a body. cut it up, poke and prod, observe the physical properties of life. But what of the mental qualities. the Ones that disappear with the life source. The ephemeral, the elusive. The imaginary. We cannot explain these away with chemical reactions. they do not exist in physical form. This makes them attractive. Unsure, the way it should be. Unable to be categorized, generalized. A secret we hold in each of our minds. Only we know, yet we know nothing of it. When did knowledge become a staple? When was it generalized, either you knew or you didn't. If you didn't you were dumb. Illiterate, inarticulate. You were inadequate, inferior. We were classed on our ability to regurgitate the facts. The facts. Because everything was set in stone. Easily managed, percent scores, essays and quizzes, paper and numbers. It isn't worth a dime. I want to understand the unreal, things that can't be traced and drawn and clearly observed. It's so much more exhilarating that way.
this is the reason i broke up with him in the first place. because it was so much stress and it just seemed hopeless. i know that's a harsh word but its true. he's got so much on his plate and i dont want any more on mine. i have my own set of worries i need to take care of. but i cant just turn him away. the way he opened up to me...it litteraly moved me to tears. i feel his dispair, his depression. he has nothing. but i dont want him to have no one too. at the moment i feel thats all i can do; give him the comfort of knowing that i'm here for him, that he has me. contrairy to his beleifs he hasnt lost me. if he really had, i wouldnt have seen him yestrerday, or tuesday, or any times before that. we wouldnt have acted or talked the way we did if he'd truley lost me. his words stung because i felt his pain through them. his feelings soaking the words and turning them a different colour. i never told him to get the fuck out of my life, but it hurt to know thats how he fe
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