Long over due: the monster.

We're stuck in stiff air that suffocates and sustains is simultaneously. Equivocal. And I've only just remembered. The lessons from those classes where the teachers are dead or living the same old way, never changing from all those years ago when you stumble upon them in crowded places with blurring faces. Yet it pulls at you, those years are the years that shaped you, they're all you have to look back on. The juvenile smiles, simple living where protection was a mother's arms and her love was all that mattered. Now we're growing up and going out, carving the next chapters in the stonework of our lives. We fly on freedom and feel we're invincible, too big for our bottles we want to break free, flee, be, we want to see the world in undiscovered corners, quickly curling up beneath us and we scramble to smooth it out but it's all rearranging and we grasp to those memories but the faces are all changing and we see it in our eyes that even we are changing. And we're slowly dying through every day of living so we take something out of everything we're giving. Trying to piece together past present and tomorrow, and we brace ourselves for every fall that's sure to follow. As we scrape our knees and skin our hearts, we know it and yet we still start. Every adventure every day not really knowing what will come our way. And we get caught up in the words and the rhymes, the cheap thrills and good times. And we're flying ever faster wanting things we've never had and we're needing silly rings like those of mom and dad, yet we want to be loud and we want to be wild and we want to be older but at heart we're still a child, finding comfort in a hug and the happiness it brings, the simplicity of things. And the mind is torn between a million different things. The shadow of the heart, the sunshine of your love, the fires down below and the fires up above. And soon you lose yourself in the rhythms of another finding comfort in the style like a child to a mother. And it's all an endless circle you never live if you never die and I can never say those things that I've hidden deep inside. Like how I get a rush from your simple affection or how I get so panicked when I think there's no connection. And how the stiff air catches us apart and how I feel I need you to mend my broken heart. But I don't know what I need I don't know why I care I don't know why it matters which way I style my hair. I remember we'd stay up until 11:11 every night, I tried to stay awake, I tried with all my might. But now I'm pushing 2:22, texting someone who's not you. I feel the ghost of our love that we left behind, but now that you're gone a feel that I can shine. but I'm weak and I’m needy, I'm stubborn and I'm vain, and each new distraction can take me so far away. The chiming of incoming calls pulls me out of this weird daze, where all I do is pour it out in an endless blurry haze. These words don't feel like mine, I don't know who I am, sometime's too caring, sometimes too weak to stand. And it seems it's all a circle, spinning wild and fast, I try to find my future but instead I find my past.
It's all an endless search for the pieces that'll fit inside, and looking for the secrets that the future likes to hide. I'm never full with anything, there could always be much more, I have the key within me, but I can't find the door. Hesitation's a deadly poison, a metaphysical conceit; a dream of carpe diem, a philosophy unbeat. But I'm caught behind a cage I've fashioned with my fears, with chains of trepidations that I've collected through the years. I'm looking for the depth I thought I saw beneath your eyes, but you cover yourself up with a layer of compromise. Hiding behind a sheet of your sardonic wit, you can't help but feel safe with it and only it. I tried to peel away the armour of your smile but you've let it intertwine for too long a while. I don't know why I do this, I don't know why I try, but I want to know there's more to you than just a silly guy. I've tasted a depth and now I want more, I have the motivation but I can’t reach your shore. I'm needing your help, please throw me a rope, pull me to your core, and see if I can cope.
I don't know how to stop this, I don't know where to end, I don't know what to say, or what to say again. It's all an endless cycle, we live and then we die, I've countless unanswered questions but the main one's only why.