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happy chrustmas

my room is a mess. my head is a mess. This holiday stress has left no room for sanity. It was go go go; preparations for today. Christmas. And every year I wonder why I bothered. it isn't the same as when I was a child. this day has lost all of it's magic. But the only magic there ever was, was from the plethora of presents I saw under the tree as a child. It was all about the presents, all about getting. Now, it's more about giving, but I want to give more than consumer goods. So this year I crocheted most gifts; put time and effort in, instead of money. But the inner child still lives within, expecting more than I should. And every year I am disappointed. it's more than just the gifts, it's the unfulfilled Christmas spirit in this home. We are a dysfunctional family, and maybe I'm a terrible daughter, but at times I can't stand my family. I cant stand when my mother gets drunk and acts immature, when it's all about her. I can't stand the feigned family togetherness. the day drags on and on, and i am stuck between an ill fitting duality of expectations, jarred edges, the myth that christmas day will be different than any other day. But nothing has changed, the day has no magic to rectify our family dynamic, only magnify its faults. And I am left grappling in the gap created. An abyss of absent-mindedness.
And then like that, it's over for yet another year. Like it didn't even happen.

Comments

BlackRabbit said…
Would it help to know that my christmas wasn't much better?
My father didn't get drunk and act a fool and my prescription drug addicted mother didn't get stoned and fly around the house like everything was beautiful.
But, that's because they've both been dead for years.
Is it a blessing? Is it a curse? Yea and no. I am an only child.
I spent christmas alone. No "loved one" because I was jumped after four years in a text on December 19th. Pretty gutless, hu?
I talked to my cousin who lives only 23 miles away for a little more than an hour that evening. He spent christmas alone, too.
I am a leper to my late father's side.
Talk about your disfunctional families.
My son, my only child, came over after he got off work at eleven o'clock at night and I heated up the ham I had baked that day.
He brought me a present. He was the only bright spot in the entire day. And he staying until 4 in the morning.
I, too, crochet. In years past, people have received home made gifts from me. But this hasn't happened for a long long long time.
So, I understand when you say the day just doesn't feel quite the same. It never will again, I'm afraid. It just doesn't work that way.
We have to make our own good memories. And you will one day. You will. I promise.
I'm still working on that. I told myself I'd put the tree up this year since I didn't last year.
Didn't happen.
Maybe next year. Or the year after that..
Happy New Year, my dear. Hang in thre and keep writing.
BlackRabbit said…
Believe me, dear. There are a LOT of people who felt the way you did this year.
Give ANY of us the chance and we will prove that you are are;; WE are right.
Hey, move to Nevada with me. What do you say??
Happy New Year, kiddo. Hope you blog (or write to me xiaotuzi13atyahoodomcom) soon.
Take care. You see more deeply into this fucked up world than you realize.
Take care, my "realist friend".
~ Elizabeth

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