I have troubles accepting things as they are. I'm always trying to place events and feelings into strict categories, where if it's not one it's the other, but it's never like that. I can't accept the beauty of imperfection, though that's what life is all about. I'm always looking for justification and for deeper meaning when maybe there's only face value, or things aren't meant to fit perfectly. This problem arises in the endless search for "the one". All of my close friends, and myself, search for something permanent and meaningful, someone perfect to spend eternity with. Who knows what's out there, maybe there isn't that "perfect" soulmate, there will always be differences, but the way we cope with the differences between us is what makes us able to love and be loved, open ourselves up and be vulnurable to someone. Vulnurable..Such a scary thought yet a completely liberating one. I have problems letting go. Be it emotional baggage, a severe attachment to some element in my life, or be it letting go of inner barriers or inhibitions. I've built myself up to cope with this ugly world and I'm afraid to loosen the bolts, in fear of completely falling to shambles. So I keep myself tightly together and when I find someone I could open myself up to I have to make sure it's something lasting incase I'm ripped open and I need them to not be afraid of what is deep inside my mind, and be able to fix me again.
i don't know what it is but i cant stand you anymore. maybe because I've been with you for 6 weeks straight. then i got two weeks of freedom, glorious freedom, and it's hard to come back to living in this house, with you, with whom i now associate all the wonderful memories of arguments that you could never bare to lose, the days spent waiting at each corner for you as you lagged behind inconsiderately taking pictures.
my friend told me last night, in alcohol fuelled praise, that you were real. that she had incredible respect for you. and i just couldn't agree. you're real only in the sense that you let us know exactly what is on your mind without bothering if it upsets us. but you don't take the time to listen to me, to consider my opinions, because everything anyone else thinks is completely illogical and a waste of time. you can't grasp that you're views aren't one size fits all. they don't work for everyone; especially not me. You can't...
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