This week has been an emotional rollercoaster with the breaks disengaged. But I can't tell which emotion is the incline, which is the decline. There's no final destination either. No goal to complete, no markers telling me I'm going in the wrong direction. I climb and climb to get to the top. The top of what? Of nothing. I climb to fall down again. Or do I fall to get the momentum to climb up again? I could make a million different scenarios, mapping out each possibility like there was a point to it all. That's all we're searching for in life; a point. No one knows the meaning of life, no one knows the point. Because there is no point. We exist because we do. We exist because we've made it so, or something else has made it so.
I'm having a very hard time following this routine life without hesitation. Something in my mind is placing resistance on these feet that walk the empty miles. The ability to see the larger picture? Or the refusal to see the smaller one. Once again, mapping out endless possibilities. I've had these moods where I've seen the error in our ways (in my eyes) and could not even take the bus without wondering why the hell we have buses. Why the hell do we have streets, houses, manicured lawns, dead end jobs, money, time, music, school, technology, the list continues forever, since everything man made is on it. The best way I can explain it is I had the thought process of an outsider, a wise animal for instance, looking at the human race and laughing because of their ridiculousness, striving and slaving for nothing, thinking they're so great. I felt stupid, to but it bluntly. How we've gotten so tied up in what we've decided to call life, the point of life being making money, buying a house, settling down, having a family, popping out one of two children, settling down into retirement in Florida or somewhere nice. And the cycle continues again. with every turn we become more and more entrenched in it, drenched with the notion that this is what needs to be done. And I cannot follow it. I can't get a job, I'm going to university, but only so I can learn more about this planet, and eventually save it. I'm thirsty for knowledge because it's something the streets can't give me. Not the knowledge I want at least. I guess what I'm searching for is the meaning of life, but this is a fruitless battle, because, as I stated before, I don't even think there is one. I guess I'm just on an endless loop of a roller coaster, running tracks in my mind, becoming entrenched deeper and deeper with each turn of the clock, each turn of the seasons. But once again, I'm mapping out a world that has no borders, no coastlines for reference, just a chunk of grey area. But I guess it's my human nature to continue searching, regardless.
I'm having a very hard time following this routine life without hesitation. Something in my mind is placing resistance on these feet that walk the empty miles. The ability to see the larger picture? Or the refusal to see the smaller one. Once again, mapping out endless possibilities. I've had these moods where I've seen the error in our ways (in my eyes) and could not even take the bus without wondering why the hell we have buses. Why the hell do we have streets, houses, manicured lawns, dead end jobs, money, time, music, school, technology, the list continues forever, since everything man made is on it. The best way I can explain it is I had the thought process of an outsider, a wise animal for instance, looking at the human race and laughing because of their ridiculousness, striving and slaving for nothing, thinking they're so great. I felt stupid, to but it bluntly. How we've gotten so tied up in what we've decided to call life, the point of life being making money, buying a house, settling down, having a family, popping out one of two children, settling down into retirement in Florida or somewhere nice. And the cycle continues again. with every turn we become more and more entrenched in it, drenched with the notion that this is what needs to be done. And I cannot follow it. I can't get a job, I'm going to university, but only so I can learn more about this planet, and eventually save it. I'm thirsty for knowledge because it's something the streets can't give me. Not the knowledge I want at least. I guess what I'm searching for is the meaning of life, but this is a fruitless battle, because, as I stated before, I don't even think there is one. I guess I'm just on an endless loop of a roller coaster, running tracks in my mind, becoming entrenched deeper and deeper with each turn of the clock, each turn of the seasons. But once again, I'm mapping out a world that has no borders, no coastlines for reference, just a chunk of grey area. But I guess it's my human nature to continue searching, regardless.
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