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zip.

I dread human contact. I absolutely hate it. I hate having to think of something to say, hate having to feign interest and sympathy. It's a stressful situation and I don't even know why. I guess it's the culmination of all my antisocial tendencies over the years. Once you get into a habit it gets harder and harder to change as time goes by. I've always been the shy one, the quiet one. The exception is my friends. I'm talkative and at ease with the people I like. I love my friends and I love having friends, but I dread making them. It's like it's too much effort to be worth it. All the awkward getting to know eachothers and stuff, I'd rather just avoid it completely. But it's getting me into trouble. People think I'm arrogant, too good to talk to them. Or that I hate them. Such is the case with my mother. She's been living at her parent's house, and so I rarely see her. That suited me fine, because less interactions the better. So whenever she's over I guess I'm shyer than normal, and my go to response is to say a quick hello, and to go into my room. Not because I hate her, but because I hate confrontation of any kind. I'm so used to just sloughing off interactions, opting for silence instead. It's like it's too much energy, too much I dont even know what, to talk to people, and what harm will not talking do, really? I try to convince myself that I can continue on this way. I'm so set in my ways that it's so hard to change. But now that my mother is mad at me because she thinks I hate her, I'm faced with a tough decision. Break out of my shell and talk to her, ask her about her day even though I don't care (I'm terrible) even though it's way out of my comfort zone and I really don't want to. Or I can keep doing what I do, becoming a socially inept recluse who doesn't talk to anyone unless it's completely necessary. Ugh, This sucks.

Comments

BlackRabbit said…
It's kinda scary when I read how you feel about people. I mean scary in the fact that I relate completely and feel exactly the same way about it. I took it to such extremes that I ended up with no friends at all. Currently, I am attempting to meet new people and make a few friends. And yes, saying that it is draining is putting it mildly. It's good that you at least have a few friends to begin with. The thing is, as far as dealing with people in the real world, it is possible to train yourself to deal with these people. I mean, it's necessary for survival. I tried for a lot of years to just avoid people and superficial polite conversations at all costs. But it just doesn't work that way. I've had to learn this the hard way. Believe me, you can teach yourself to deal with people, and do it well. Then you can re-charge yourself when you're alone, or with your "real" friends. That's what I've had to learn over the years. I totally relate to what you're going through at the moment. Just hand in there. It's worth it. There's something waiting for you down the road. You have to look at it that way. Take care. Really great blog. You really paint pictures with your words.
April 18, 2012 at 8:43 AM
pihzaz said…
i like that comment above, veryf helpful bur yeah
fuckin tough decision eh, oi...were so young we cant waste any time postponing, but at the same time it takes so much energy. i guess if you believe its worth it you have to make some effort...fight..find something that will drive you. spend lots of time outside:)so simple out there no need to talk hehe
missyou
April 21, 2012 at 11:39 AM
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